Apr 4th Quarter

Fenwick’s Diary

Have demanded my lawyer issue a lawsuit against that bearded, smirky scum, Devon Brawn for damage to my bouffant. He ravaged it in a fit of spiteful jealousy at my book signing last week after a perfect innocent remark from me about his stupid little hat and television show. I was absolutely livid. I was due to film Screamingly Haunted that night and had to get my agent to cancel after my spiritual energies were in flux. It took my hairdresser hours to repair the damage and I went to bed early with a hair-rescue pack and watched a tape of my greatest moments from the pilot of Screamingly Haunted to cheer my spirits. It’s a disgrace.

As I was being ushered from their common little shop, I told the manager of Waterstones that his soon-to-be-in-spirit grandfather would give his inheritance to a cats home because he didn’t love him. I am a gifted psychic and treating me with such disdain will not be tolerated – I am very popular both in this world and the next and if he doesn’t want to be haunted by Jack the Ripper he should learn to protect his celebrity signees.

I could fume over Devon Brawn if I wasn’t so tired. I will bankrupt that beardy, devil man for this insult. Outrageous. Again, Simon was in high spirits and spent all that evening getting texts of something that was making him laugh. I am not used to frivolity from my staff so I told him to go home. I will dock his pay at the end of the month, but I’m sure he won’t mind.

So tired…perhaps my herbal energy reviver can’t cope with an energy field as strong as mine?

Jay’s Diary

Texted Simon to see how he was and he had just slipped Fenwick some sleeping pills in order to get some peace. The poor bastard has been forced to ferry Fenwick's personal stylists, hairdresser, and flashy lawyer everywhere all day. I fully expect to see him on the news after battering Fenwick to death with a piece of rose quartz one of these days. He thanked me for the sleeping pill advice and texted me Fen's upcoming book-signing schedule as payment for all the Fen/Devon scrap and 'Fegging' pics.

Fred let me hide at his house to escape Lysander this week. He came striding down my drive the day after the signing and hammered on my door, screaming about his John Barrowman collection getting mysteriously erased from his Sky box. I had already prepared a bag and slipped over the back fence. He is vicious when provoked and I don’t feel like having my balls crushed by his latest, fancy footwear. Perhaps the photo I pinned to my front door of me holding his Sky remote was taking it too far, but if he wants a fight, he’ll get one. That was payback for the Marnie stitch up.

Fred has let me sleep on his sofa and has been very restrained about hoovering the carpet more than five times a day and steam cleaning the sofa. It’s a weird experience to say the least and I can’t get used to washing the kettle and emptying the toaster of crumbs every they are used. Still, he’s been kind and bought in extra Frosties and when his nerves aren’t fraying at the edges, he’s surprisingly good to spend time with. He suggested using Marnie as a mole to see if Lysander was staking out my house, and possibly get her on side, so I gave her a ring while he watched his first soap of the day. Fred has a devious side that his blackmail attempts have only just scraped the surface of. Interesting.

Marnie’s Diary

What a terrible week! There was no meeting as Fenwick is away filming Screamingly Haunted and Lysander and Jay aren’t talking. I hate it when the boys fight – I am already stressed with Marlon recovering from his operation and the fact that an entity has been living in one of my kitchen cupboards and made a slimy yellow mess.

Lysander rang in a terrible state and I told him to come round. He cried for ages about an erased Skybox – I thought it may have been that his lounge is over a ley-line but he swears it was Jay. He begged me to help him get revenge and I got all upset. I can’t take sides, it will divide my aura. He swore he’d babysit Marlon while I went shopping and even help me bake my scones and I gave in as he looked so pitiful. He listened on the other phone when Jay rang me and made me promise Jay that I’d help him. Then he sat in my armchair ‘to plot revenge against that shit’. I dislike swearing in my lounge as it may provoke negative energy but he is such a darling that I forgave him. He cheered up when I gave him a cuppa and a slice of Jamaica cake and we had a lovely chat about the latest happenings in my favourite soap, Home and Nearby.

Lysander’s Diary

I’ll get that spiky, surly, Frostie addict. My entire John Barrowman collection is gone and all I have is a picture of Jay holding my Sky remote in a close-up self-pic. After forcing my blood flow to behave at how gorgeous his eyes looked, I swore revenge. (for the thousandth time) I waited on his doorstep for ages before giving up and checking with the neighbours - he was seen running through their gardens earlier that day. Have a hunch he is hiding out at Freddy’s so that ally is closed off to me. Went home to my empty Skybox and broke down in tears - was really looking forward to re-watching J.B's Never Mind the Buzzcocks appearance.

Went and cried on Marnie’s shoulder and realised how pathetically desperate I must be to venture down that road. Thank the stars she gave me proper cake and not one of her concoctions. Cried and made lots of promises to get her on my side and then settled down to plot. When she went shopping I shut her rat-dog in the pantry (it kept trying to shag my suede backpack) and examined the spiritual residue in her cupboard for her, which turned out to be leaked Piccallily.

This has all ruined my high about Fenwick’s scrap in Waterstones and given that the truce is over, there is no way I will be able to get any pics of it from Jay for my wall. Feel so low, am in desperate need of a foot-spa and a herbal face mask. Marnie offered to rub my feet and soak them in a home-made plant mush thing. I nearly died on the spot. Have never run so fast in all my life. Told her I had left the oven on at home. Am starting to wonder if this is cosmic payback for all the Fenwick taunting lately, but then, Fen is such a pompous shit that we’re doing the universe a favour. Haven’t even got anyone to bitch about him to now – Marnie is a huge fan. I’m absolutely not calling a truce though until I’ve got Jay back. I can be more evil than he thinks.

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