February 4th Quarter

Fenwick’s Diary

Had lunch with my agent today. He is organising an exciting ‘website’ for me so I will have to get an ‘internet’ in my house and check how popular I am! He has also organised a large book signing for the end of March at the local centre. It is on the same day as that no talent trickster, Devon Brawn. His mind trickery show is vastly inferior to my own televisual output - talentless smug scum. He was actually quoted in the local paper as saying my book was ‘absolute rubbish’. He may think these large, fancy words will brainwash people into not loving me but it won’t. I shall look forward to crushing him.

I had to get annoyed when my new agent, Rikk, expected me to help pay for lunch - I am a star and we don’t pay for anything. I had to shout and now, thanks to him my spiritual energies are rumpled, just when I need them for filming tonight. Caviar, Lobster and brandy won’t dent his wallet too much so I fail to see what the fuss was about. Serves him right for only having water and a small salad. Some people don’t know how to enjoy themselves. If he wants to hold onto a star like me he needs to adjust his attitude. I told him that after my fourth brandy and also, that his dead mother would be ashamed of his selfishness. He tried to tell me she was alive and well and living in Swindon, but he is fooling himself.

As if my day wasn’t trying enough, Simon made a terrific fuss when he had to pay to get my car valeted which further disturbed my energies. I am sure he muttered some unspiritual things when I made him take it through twice more. On the way home, he positively mangled the Yin Yang stress ball I bought him last week. He need not worry – I took it out of his wages anyway. He nearly cried when I told him, bless him. His sobs of gratitude cheered me up a little.

Marnie’s Diary

My precious doggie Marlon died today, I can barely write for the tears. I had only just bought my new woofwoof and they were destined to be best friends. Jupiter was in the right aspect with Gemini so I just don’t understand. How could this have happened??! Perhaps I didn’t read the stars right? I rang Lysander repeatedly but he must have been out, so I rang Freddy and Jay and they came over.

The funeral service was exquisite and my dear little doggie would have loved it if he hadn’t been dead. I’m sure he was watching on in spirit – I felt his presence. Jay said it was probably indigestion and Freddy trembled…presumably because he was also upset at Jay’s shockingly insensitive remark. But then, he did make the coffin so I forgave him. Jay sings surprising well too – I told him he should sing at the next meeting and he went white – Freddy loved the idea and cheered up no end, he couldn't stop grinning.

Lysander's Diary
Herbal tea: 7 cups Chat Shows: 2 Naps: 3

In bed with v. bad headache. Spent the morning watching a marathon of Rab ‘Rabid’ Richison’s 'Morning Mauling' chat show…they had some bloke on who had slept with his best friend’s sister’s boyfriend and then done his mother and Aunt in a three-way. Rab swiftly reduced him to tears and made him stand in the corner with a huge flashing badge which said ‘Tart’ on it. His stupid girlfriend was forced to wear a flashing badge with ‘Loser’ on it and stand in the opposite corner while Rab bullied his next guests.

I dozed off for a bit and when I woke, up I thought I had gone blind! I nearly had a heart attack until I realised I still had my pink satin slumber mask on. I rang Jay to find out why the hell Marnie had phoned me 27 times. He sounded pissed off - apparently she had made him give her dog mouth to mouth in the hope of reviving it. He said it was stiff as a board but she was convinced it was still playing dead because she hadn’t taught it the command to get up yet. Nearly spilt my herbal tea over my plum comforter laughing so much. He hung up after that so I settled in front of the new chat show ‘Jeremy Coil’. He is similar to Rab in that he is ferocious with his guests, making two weightlifters cry before the first break. V. good stuff. Must ring Jay again, the funeral should be in full swing about now.

Freddy’s Diary

Marnie left a trail of snot after crying on my shoulder, much to Jay’s amusement. He wasn’t laughing when she insisted he give her vile, dead mutt mouth to mouth. I was busy vomiting on the bathroom while this took place.

After Jay scrubbed his mouth out, he pointed out the sultana scone lodged in it’s windpipe. The last one I had nearly killed me too. Jay said she shouldn’t give them any more sodding scones as this was the last sodding dog he was burying for her. (the other fourteen are under the large flowerbed out back.) Marnie burst into tears and said they love her cooking. Jay looked in a bad mood (I don’t blame him after his vile ordeal), so I quickly told her that it’s just that Dogs can’t digest carbohydrates.

She sniffled away to make tea and I couldn’t bear to be in the same room with it – so unhygienic. (I must remind Marnie to steam clean the entire room – I won’t be visiting again until she does). I went to find Jay who had found some wood and made a little coffin while I watched from a safe distance. (the grime of Marnie’s shed is shocking and I’m sure the lawnmower had the remains of a frog plastered up the side.) Jay surprised me – who knew someone that angry and apathetic and sarcastic has a nugget of sweetness in them…must be all the Frosties he eats.

When he saw me, he looked panicky so I ran before he could threaten me with the muddy trowel. I shall, however, store it to use to enforce good behaviour – if I threaten to tell Lysander, Jay will be careful never to tea ring my Soap Secrets Magazine ever again. I have never known such power! The worm has turned! Despite being desperate to wash my hands and get my snotty jumper in the wash, I was elated. But not for long.

It was hard to take the elaborate funeral seriously when Jay kept pulling faces and rolling his eyes. Thank goodness Lysander wasn’t there, he’d have been in hysterics, especially when we had to sing as she lowered the coffin into the ground. I have a raging headache, my shoes are covered in mud, and I just want to get home and scrub that jumper. Marnie has called her new dog Marlon. Big surprise…they’ve all been called Marlon in memory of the Marlon that has usually just died.

Jay’s Diary

I need a drink - Cyanide, Mr Muscle...anything to wash away the taste of Listerine, Dove soap and dead dog. I don’t even want to think about that ordeal right now and if I never hear ‘Amazing Grace’ and ‘Every Step You Take’ again it will be too fucking soon. The dog got a fancier burial than Princess Diana and we were forced to be coffin bearers and lay flowers. Marnie said she was touched Freddy was so upset, but that’s only because he was trembling having to touch the coffin. (That and I’d smeared mud on the underside.) It’s like Arlington Pet Cemetery in her back garden now – no wonder her flowers grow so well. Lysander rang halfway through and cackled down the phone until I hung up, the bastard.

I should have known better than to answer the phone to Marnie this morning. I must have been an evil wanker in a past life to be punished like this. To top it all off, Fenwick texted us all to tell us his show is on tonight. He included a picture of himself (as he does with all of his texts) - he looked like a silver hedgehog clutching a tangerine. Life is just brimming over with little joys, isn’t it?

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