January 4th Quarter

Jay’s Diary

The meeting fell on Freddy’s birthday today, the poor bastard. Imagine being stuck with Fen and Ly bickering over who performed the most dramatic possession of the morning. (Fen tried to claim his was King Richard, only it was more like the Ustinov Disney version).

I got Freddy a new video because I felt bad about spilling tea over his sofa last week (when I fell asleep during Fen’s tarot reading) - I didn’t mean to make him cry. Plus, he hasn’t been able to get his old video working since then, but he understood it was a necessary casualty in saving us from Fen’s pissing pilot. Or so we thought.

Fenwick turned up half an hour late, gave Freddy a generous present of a box of herbal tea bags from some ratty arse end of the Himalayas and then dropped the bombshell:

He had brought round the four hour uncut pilot, plus his as yet unaired psychic segment on Gerhard and Judy’s show. Freddy started trembling so much, he split sugar all over Lysander. For once, Lysander didn’t shriek like a girl, he just looked like he was about to cut his wrists with a slice of Marnie’s cake. I’ve never seen Freddy run so fast in my life, not even when I accidentally trod dog shit onto his doormat.

I’m dreading my fucking birthday now, unless it is going to involve much alcohol drunk from Fen’s thick skull. I hate to think what televisual delights he’ll have up his sleeve by then. I was halfway out of the kitchen window, but Ly dragged me back and threw a hissy fit. If he was going to be forced to watch it, then we all were. I tried to fake a coma, but the bastard threatened to kick me in the balls with his poncey winkle pickers.

We had to take our places in the lounge and begin the slow execution. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it. By the time we were through the intro and the first ten minutes, I was praying for the house to subside or for an alien abduction. Even an un-lubricated anal probe would be preferable to Fen’s face contorting in night vision. I spent the next hour trying to work out how to set myself on fire with Marnie’s reading glasses and a miniature Smirnoff that I pinched from Lysander’s bag until I gave in and drank it.

The people on the program spent most of the time running away and waving torches about. They could keep Duracell in business. It got interesting when three of them fell into a river, but as Piranha aren’t native to the Cotswolds, I didn’t get too excited. I had to stop laughing after Marnie gave me one of her looks - I don’t want her turning up at my house trying to cleanse my aura or something - not after the last time. I fitted bolts to my door after that mortifying experience.

Why do I do this to myself – is it some perverse form of self torture? I need a life – there must be better ways of frittering my time on this earth than this??

Lysander’s diary

Ciggies: 38 (They selfishly wouldn’t let me go to the shop when I ran out. Jay actually sat on me to stop me leaving) Alcohol units: 14 – I needed them.

What a day. It started out perfectly peachy. Freddy loved the jacket I bought him and the soap star tarot set. Fen hadn’t turned up at that point so everyone was having a fab time, even Jay was half pleasant for once. He even made an effort not to be sarcastic during the tea leaf reading, which is a first. My leaves were the best as always, and without Fen there to try and upstage me, it all went v.smoothly.

Then Fenwick pitched up, beeping in his vile new Merc and it all went tits. After dumping his coat on top of mine and rumpling it, he took over completely - outrageous! He tried to claim his possession was better than mine. He has to go one better! I channelled a lovely peasant lady from the middle ages, so he had to pretend he was King Richard and started shouting on and on about some fox and an archery contest. He nearly poked my eye out with one gesture that I’m sure was deliberate. Jay’s hysterics made him choke on the mini pack of Frosties he bought with him but I couldn’t sympathise as he fell asleep during my second superb possession of the day and dribbled over my coat. I could bloody cry sometimes. I try so hard.

After foiling Jay’s selfish fucking escape attempt we had to coax Freddy out of the pantry with a chocolate éclair and the promise of watching that mushy Australian soap of his. After the flashy intro I chain smoked my way through the first hour. It was appalling. Truly. People screaming and running through woods like they’re on the Blair Witch Project. Jay muttered something about wishing they’d pulled everyone’s fucking teeth out and slaughtered them but Fen didn’t hear, he was too busy rewinding his first possession of the series to re watch in tedious slow mo.

The rest of the show was ridiculous, people falling over at the slightest noise and claiming they were savaged by an entity, standing droning ‘is anyone there’ and running like buggery when someone fell over a piece of naff looking furniture. Fen's suit looked cheap and his hair was ghastly. For someone who claims to have a personal make up artist, he looked dreadful. V.V draining day. My energies have nosedived and my Aura is in an obscene state now thanks to that marathon of pompous slurry. Fen’s beaming face in green will haunt my dreams, even with my moisturising eye mask.

Marnie’s Diary

Little Freddy’s birthday today! I do love birthdays – I get to bake for everyone and see their happy faces! I wore my specially knitted pink jumper with the two kittens on the front. Jay’s face when he saw it... I thought he was going to burst! He couldn’t stop staring! When I said I’d knit one for him, he actually welled up with tears and was shocked to silence – poor lamb. He does need looking after, they all do. Lysander was very encouraging, saying I should make Jay a pink one just like mine. After that Jay dragged him to the kitchen, probably to stop Lysander making him blush. I wonder what Lysander was screaming about in there, he sounded in pain?

Freddy’s face was a picture when he saw the cakes I made for him – he didn’t know what to say! I’m sure he will like them, and the batch of scones. He said he will happily share them with the others – such a generous lad, always trying to give my cakes away! When Jay heard that, he went white; he is so shocked by generosity! Though I noticed last time I let myself in at Jay’s house (before he got those huge bolts put on the back door) that one of my scones from the last batch was one the floor. It seemed to be half jammed under the kitchen door. Perhaps he just needs to be a little tidier.

That was the day a young lady had an asthma attack in his lounge. It is a good thing I had let myself in – she was on the floor, moaning and panting for air, despite Jay having loosened most of her clothes. He was red in the face from exertion and worry, poor lamb. They said they were fine, but I insisted on driving her to the hospital to be on the safe side. I must say, she wasn’t very grateful. Jay didn’t speak to me for a week after that. He is a strange one sometimes.

Anyway, Freddy was delighted with his gift – a hand knitted jumper with a puppy on it! Lysander was shaking, I think he was upset as he didn’t have one, but the smile that kept creeping to his face amid the tears showed he was trying to brave it out – poor lamb. He has to wait for his birthday. When I told him that, he went quite quiet.

I adored Fenwick’s pilot! Splendid. I thought the man with the clipboard was rather handsome, although Jay kept making silly quacking noises until I suggested Fenwick rewind the tape so we could hear it. Jay was quiet for a while after that. They had some terrifying experiences! Fenwick was possessed by an landlord and suffered terribly. He had to be carried out of the room at one point, which the presenter looked annoyed about. She had to faint twice before anyone noticed and helped her away, perhaps with all that makeup, they couldn’t tell she was ill.

They saw lots of orbs when they moved a lot of dusty old boxes – I would have been terrified surrounded by that much obvious spiritual activity, but they were all so brave! Even when they ran away from the TV when it switched itself on, they were still brave. Jay was very cutting, saying someone had just sat their ‘fat arse’ on the remote. I’m afraid I had to give him one of my ‘looks’, but he ignored it. He really is naughty sometimes. When they were running away from some spirit activity in the woods, Jay actually laughed when three of them fell into a river. His comments about them drowning were in very poor taste. When I told him he shouldn’t tempt fate he just crossed his fingers.

Lysander ran out of cigarettes and Jay sat on him when he tried to leave. How he could want to risk missing the rest of the pilot was beyond me. Such quality programs don’t come along very often. When I said that Freddy choked on his tea - He must agree with me. Fenwick was very pleased and said he’d give me a two percent discount off his new hardback, he is such a generous man.

Lysander was crotchety for the rest of the morning - perhaps it was because his keys were digging into his leg, they certainly were making a nasty bulge while Jay was sitting on him. When I pointed that out, Jay got off him quickly and Lysander spent the next half hour in the bathroom. Luckily Fenwick paused it so he wouldn’t miss anything. He was so happy when he found that out, he nearly burst into tears. What a lovely day. I hope my birthday is as wonderful as Freddy’s!

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