**For previous diaries see the Archive section**

June 4th Quarter

Lysander’s Diary
Shocks: 2    Cuppas: 13    Ciggies: half (Jay threw the rest out of the window)

Woke up from a heavy sleep and didn’t know where the fuck I was. When I went to sleep, the walls were lilac with a white rose motif and the room was a tip. Now the walls have changed to a pale blue with cream carpets and curtains and there isn’t a mouldy cup in sight. In fact, the room smells like…Jay. It reminds me of the aftershave he wears. Feel my body stirring for the first time in a fortnight.

Oh my fuck. This is Jay’s bedroom!!! Can’t believe it. I am in Jay’s house in his room in his bed! Must be dreaming. Positively brutalised my arm pinching it but am very much awake! Have secretly dreamed of this moment forever. Shame I feel such a manky bastard at the moment. How did I get here? I still won’t believe there is a god though, otherwise Fenwick wouldn’t exist, but am stunned.

Jay came up with tea and toast and we sat and watched Rab’s chat show while he lounged on the bed next to me. Could hardly pay attention to Rab shouting at his guests, was too busy trying to absorb the situation. It was torture too– my balls were aching, having been dead for a fortnight of depression, my blood flow is back with a vengeance. Didn't help that Jay was looking his attitudy best. His hair was damp and spiky and his t-shirt rode up slightly over his jeans. He also looked less ferocious than usual, but tasty as ever

I must have a meltdown more often if this is the result. After the show was over, he dragged me out of the bed and shoved me into the bathroom, complaining  that I stank, cheeky bastard. I took the chance to have a good poke around and he actually has apricot conditioner! Jay uses conditioner! Would never have believed it. Plus he has lemon yellow towels and uses candles when he has a bath! He really does have a sensitive side, it wasn't just a rumour among the circle! A real eye opener.

I had a good snoop around the bedroom too while he went to answer the phone and turned up some interesting things. The old diary in the underwear drawer thing…never a good hiding place – I am an expert finder and as for his porn stash…I guess waitresses aren’t his sole interest after all. What a spiffy start to the week!!!

Jay’s Diary

Ly looked so much better this morning – he looked stunned and happy all at once when he realised where he was. Didn’t really know what to say…'sorry I caused your mental breakdown' didn’t seem good enough somehow so I made tea and toast and we watched TV. Am expecting Marnie to turn up at some point with more cakes to apologise for breaking my tooth so have disabled my doorbell and taped up my letterbox. Have an emergency dentist appointment later and have run out of Neurofen. Fucking typical.

Caught Lysander smoking a fag in my bedroom so chucked them out of the window and made him get dressed in the few clean clothes I was able to salvage from his place. He started his pouting thing but I threatened to have Marnie visit him and he soon got up and parked himself on the sofa instead and started bitching about Fenwick…he is obviously feeling better – I never expected such a fast turnaround in his mood.

Steeled myself to apologise for breaking him and he was very good about it. I gave him his War Scrapbook back and we actually had a good laugh flicking through it. He is planning on starting a new one about Fenwick as a project, bad book reviews, book signing disaster stories etc. We declared an official truce and then walked over to Fred’s to the meeting. Marnie’s screech of joy nearly fucking deafened me. Only shit things was my aching tooth and having to walk up Fred’s path with no shoes on, getting wet feet in the process. If the little bastard hadn't been so good to me lately I'd have made him eat my soaking socks.

Went to get Neurofen and a snack from the kitchen but Fred’s holding out on me, the little bastard. This is the fourth time I’ve scouted his kitchen and not found a trace of Frosties. I know damn well he buys them, just don’t know where he hides them anymore and he ordered me out before I could snoop.

Marnie’s Diary

Wonderful! Am so happy that the boys are finally talking! I was about to clip them all round the ear and make them have a Psychic cleansing together. I have a money off voucher for the place in the next town. It got an A rating in Psychic Monthly so it must work! I may just get a cleansing organised anyway - we haven't had a circle outing since the little disaster last year.

Lysander seemed very happy – so nice to see him. When I told him I had sadly run out of cakes (the ghost in my pantry has been hard at work again) he seemed to get even happier for some reason. Feel very guilty about Jay’s tooth. I offered to make him a get well cake but he had to suddenly get something from the kitchen. He went awfully pale and Lysander started laughing which got a gesture that I pretended not to see. I thought I heard him mutter a shotgun but I must have been mistaken. Now perhaps we can all brainstorm my ghost trap idea – things are still going missing from my haunted pantry and Jay's ghost trap idea of marmalade didn't work..there was just some dog hair stuck in it.

Freddy’s Diary

Lysander practically floated down my path today – good – one less person to worry about tracking anything disgusting in the house. Waking up in Jay’s bed seems to have worked wonders for him – certainly cured his Fenwick induced breakdown. Though if I had been in his position, that much time with Fenwick would have induced me to suicide. Or murder. Haven’t seen Lysander smile this much since he seduced his postman last year, am amazed he didn’t pop. (though waking up in Jay's bed probably nearly did just that - I swear Lysander has a crush on him.)

Still not really talking to Lysander anyway over my carpet so gave him the smallest Mr Kipling Almond Slice as punishment. He may not have noticed, but I know so that’s the main thing. Not every victory is great but it is a victory none the less.

Despite his broken tooth, Jay was in a fairly good mood. At least now hostilities have ceased I can get back into my cleaning routine which has been woefully neglected - I have only steam cleaned the curtains once this last month which is shaming. As for my soaps, I am so far behind I have been staying up an extra three hours every night to catch up before Marnie blabs and spoils it. I down want to know the outcome of Barry’s sex change operation yet – and she already ruined the news about the Postman’s shock drowning in Mrs Sunderfield’s swimming pool in last week’s episode of 'Home and Nearby'. I could cry sometimes, I really could.

Jay burst into the kitchen and demanded pain killers and a shotgun – I gave him Neurofen and shoved him out. Was in the middle of scrubbing the tile grouting and also I haven’t had a chance to properly hide the brand new box of Frosties that I got today – if he sees it they won’t last the morning. He ate me out of house and cereal when he stayed and knows my usual places so I have had to be inventive. He left looking suspicious. Must get a lock for my kitchen door when I'm out stocking up on Domestos.

June 1st Quarter     June 2nd Quarter     June 3rd Quarter