March 4th Quarter

Freddy’s Diary

Was actually a half decent meeting and by the end, I didn’t want to kill myself for once. Fenwick was still a no show, my planets must be in the right house. From his text this morning, he is still recuperating in bed after his ‘attack’. He said to make sure we watched Gerhard and Julie today. I hope they aren’t trailing that awful show of his in it’s nauseating night vision.

Marnie didn’t show up but Jay says she’s been posting ‘Sorry’ cards through his letter box along with Sultana Scones. Lysander said she’s probably trying to kill him and Jay is threatening to nail his letter box up – he swears she chipped the tiles in his porch with the last batch. Doesn’t surprise me, I have discovered they make wonderful paperweights and I have a bag of them counterbalancing my washing line.

Jay wasn’t limping like he was last week, but he said he’s 'going to buy a fucking cup if she’s going to get possessed like that again'. I’d hate to think what she would actually do if she found out the Jay was the one who egged Fenwick. (the remains of his shopping list were in the bag that he gave me my poster in and guess what was on it?!) He doesn’t know that I know yet and I am saving it in case I need to use the information for blackmail/bribery purposes.

Lysander was showing off his new scrapbook - I’ve told him he should make one for Fenwick for Christmas. He says he’ll send one to Marnie on Jay’s behalf. I vacated the area as Jay’s face started to redden and busied myself boil washing my tea towels in the safety of the kitchen. Lysander has a surprisingly high pitched scream. It made the neighbour’s dog start barking.

Jay’s Diary

No Marnie and no Fenwick. If I could have just not shown up it would have been perfect, yet for some reason I felt like torturing myself again. Fenwick sent a text this morning about being frail. I was hoping he would have electrocuted himself with his electric blanket but I guess the world just isn’t that kind.

Lysander was sniggering every time Marnie’s name was mentioned and in the end I had to threaten to eat his fucking stupid new mobile which is the size of a fucking water biscuit. By that time I had a headache and Freddy grudgingly gave me Panadol from his vast collection. He keeps making hints about shopping lists for some reason – I think he’s not used his usual ton of Mr Muscle in a well ventilated area, that or he’s been eating Marnie’s cooking. Why do I have to put up with this shit every week? Do I hate myself that much? I could join a useful group…like Lemmings.

Leafed through Lysander’s scrap book of the 'Fegging' as he’s named it and then watched Rab’s chat show. Had to be careful not to fucking tea ring Fred’s precious 'Soap Secrets' magazine so put it on Ly’s 'TV Guide - Torchwood special' instead. Spent five minutes while he was in the toilet positioning the cup to make sure the tea ring cut John Barrowman’s head in half.

23:09pm Shit. Have just realised what Freddy was going on about when he kept mentioning lists. Fucking perfect, that’s all I need.

Lysander’s Diary
Kudos: Lots!     Cuppas: 17 (10 herbal and 7 PGTips)     Texts: 37 (all to ITV to complain about Fen's vile appearance)

Joy joy day! Had a good tease about Marnie until Jay threatened to eat my phone. Everyone loved my 'Fegging' scrapbook, naturally. It took me ages positioning the piccies and framing them with purple ribbon, but it is worth it, a masterpiece. I’m sure creative talent runs in my family. Either that or I channelled an artist the other night.

A real shock after Rab’s chat show. Just settled into watching 'Gerhard and Julie' and had a good bitch about her hair when we were all shocked to silence. They did a live link to Fen’s shitty mansion, where he was ‘recovering after his terrifying ordeal’. They actually interviewed him live from his bed! I was spitting mad!! He was propped up on some tasteless nouveau riche pillows, with his hair in a net, banging on about the strain it had put on him and how ungrateful people were.

I nearly died, truly, I mean I have never seen anything more pompous and outrageous. How could they give that bouffanted hack screen time like that? Jay said they should be fucking shot for inflicting it on the nation and we all nearly vomited when Fen started to cry. Jay pointed out the Jif Lemon he'd obviusly used which was just in shot on the dressing table and we turned it off in disgust. I feel nauseated beyond belief – my aura feels dirty just having watched it. It will take more than my crystals and lavender hand wash to sort it out.

I went to the bathroom to dab some cold water on my face while Jay phoned up ITV for the fifty seventh time to complain. When I got back, he was on the phone to the advertising standards people for implying Fen was: A -human, B - a gifted man, and C - worthy of anything approaching sympathy. He also told the person on the switchboard that Gerhard’s wig was on wrong and he hoped it would slip down in the night and suffocate him for giving that 'twatbag' air time. All v.v. funny. I laughed until I spotted my TV Guide. Then I cried.

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