May 4th Quarter

Lysander’s War Diary

Am irritated – mother phoned this morning to ask when I was going to stop putting it off and go and see them. Ran out of excuses after the last time when I told them I was having an inverted nipple operated on. (lies of course, my nipples are perfect) so I was forced to concede. Anyway, if I’m not around, Jay can’t get me for his house. It has only just been repainted. More pics to add to my War Scrapbook. Hurrah!

As luck would have it, on the way to the train station, saw Jay who was waiting for a bus. I made the cabbie stop and swung my brolly out of the window, cracking Jay in the balls. Cackled my arse off as he curled up on the floor with a gaggle of little blue-rinsers clucking over him. So funny – am very geared up now. Even a week at my parents’ can’t get me down, even if it means putting up with their wrinkly hairless cat the gives me the creeps and the row of pig figurines above the fireplace. Marked down a week’s worth of victory in my book and then texted Jay with a picture of himself curled in a ball groaning. Happy happy happy!!!!! I am definitely winning. Will treat myself to a seaweed face wrap when I get home next week.

Fenwick’s Diary

Well, well, well. I can touch the hearts and minds of the simple working class after all. Jay insisted my sneak preview of Screamingly Haunted was the best thing he has ever seen and insisted I made him a copy. I was naturally delighted to welcome him into the overflowing fold of my many appreciative fans and told him if he pays for it, I will procure him a copy. His smile would be a lot nicer if he didn’t grit his teeth so much, but such effort seems to come hard for him. I know it is perhaps jealousy at my vastly superior psychic talents but he need not be intimidated (all of which he seemed delighted to hear).

No matter how famous I become, I will never forget my little friends at the circle. Freddy began to quiver at my kind assurances and had to step out of the room. Such a sensitive lad. Perhaps I can mould him as my apprentice? I wonder what people charge to take on an apprentice. I shall call my agent and have him look into it. Although judging by the awful Art Deco curtains from 'Past Times', Freddy could probably not afford my guidance - I want my apprentice to have taste and wisdom like me. Must make a note to get my bouffant touched up before my next filming session.

Jay’s Diary

Seeing Fen’s preview tape this week lightened my universe. After having to repaint my entire fucking house and barely recovering from the ball-crushing Lysander gave me, I needed cheering up. When Fen first pitched up, I feared that my life had really hit the gutter and landed in dog-shit but it was just what I needed:

An obviously pissed Fen spent twenty minutes bouncing off the walls of the poky corridors of some old pub trying to sense something called ‘residual’. He then claimed to contact the dead landlord and a harem of mutilated maids who were apparently upset (at being brutalised and murdered…noooooo really??)

When the clipboard guy starting waving his notes over the fainted make-up girl, the presenter went into hysterics at the ‘psychic breeze’. In the stampede for the door (Fen was first out, natch) the poor make-up girl was dropped in the fireplace, crushing the tasteful paper strips masquerading as flames.

Have never laughed so hard. When Fen went to phone his agent, we watched on and saw a piece of film that had been recorded over by the preview: the crew trying to lure Fenwick out of the bus with a fruit basket and a bottle of JW and later on, Fen asleep and drooling into his shoulder pads in shaky night-vision. Hilarious stuff. Ly would have loved it. Almost feel bad now for what I’ve got planned. Almost.

Freddy’s Diary

Actually not a bad week, although most of the hilarity was at Jay’s expense. He came limping up my drive, swearing about Lysander. Gave him a cup of tea and managed to calm him down enough to get him to take his shoes off – the tread makes nasty indentations in my carpet. He was sarcastic and said that ‘heaven fucking forbid carpets are there to be walked on’, so told him I was out of Mr Kipling Almond Slices. (I am not, but I’m not putting up with attitude - it’s Lysander he is at war with and my nerves are still shredded from my arrest and the events leading up to it.)

After hearing the story and running to the kitchen to laugh (pretended to be putting washing on) I looked at the phone he thrust at me. When I asked if I could have a copy of the picture, I thought he would explode, but I think he knows he will be out of allies if he does. Ah ha! Power.

The effort he had to go to, to bite back his response was delicious, but then I remembered how he looked after me last month and felt bad. He looked so forlorn that I gave in and let him have two almond slices. He is still recovering from what Lysander did to his house. Even Jay admitted that it was genius after the initial apoplexy. Lysander has essentially signed his death warrant now though.

We had settled in front of a chat show when Fenwick turned up with another episode of his shitty show. It was actually hilariously shit and Jay cheered up no end. Luckily Fenwick was outside shouting down the phone at his agent so he didn’t see us nearly choke laughing.

I thought my chest would burst when Fenwick told Jay that he need not be intimated and that his smile would be nicer if he didn’t grit his teeth so much. Apparently anger is not good for your aura. Only just made the kitchen - luckily the washing machine was on spin cycle and drowned out my hysterics. Unfortunately Jay came marching in and poured the sugar bowl over my head before huffing out.

Usually it is Lysander that huffs but in his absence, Jay seems to have picked it up. He got halfway down the path before he remembered he didn’t have his boots on. I made him apologise through my letter box and promise to take his now wet socks off before he came in and to scrub my kitchen floor.

Amazingly, he conceded, albeit grudgingly. I hope this war lasts, as the things I am getting away with are fantastic. Any other time, Jay would have killed me and stuffed me into my washing machine. I was halfway through watching him scrub my floor before I crumbled. Felt sorry for him and made him sit down with another slice and a cup of PG while I finished the floor. He wasn’t using enough suds anyway and the lime-green scrubbing brush is for the bathroom floor, and the pea-green one is for the kitchen, but at least he tried. I shall assign him the job of cotton budding the cracks in the skirting board to get the dust out. I haven’t had time this week and it has been bothering me.

After having to order a new hall carpet because of the old one (no matter how much we steam clean it, I can't bear to walk on it), I am in no mood to feel sorry for Lysander for whatever Jay is planning. Have offered Jay unconditional help which pleased him - we went to Breeze's for dinner and sat eating Kipling Bramley Apple pies and watching Jay's favourite forensic shows most of the night. Am looking forward to Lysander's return, the bastard won't know what's hit him. Jay is actually fucking ingenious sometimes. In a scary way. Makes me glad I'm on his side.

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